30 and Single? It’s Your Own Fault

by Camerin Courtney  (posted 06/21/2006)

A response to

Getting Serious About Getting Married:

Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

By Debbie Maken (Crossway Books)

Camerin Courtney’s response to Debbie Maken’s book demands an exploration of the biblical understanding of the gifts for marriage and celibacy. But first we should consider the current social problem that led to Maken’s book and then to Courtney’s rejoinder.

By one account we live in a society that has destroyed the foundation blocks that allowed for community development; but it is also possible that we are in the process of creating a new understanding of community and just not recognizing it.  To the extent that marriage is one of the foundational building blocks of society, it is part of a larger neighborhood-bound community, which in turn may affect mate selection.  But to the extent that families are increasingly isolated units where neighbors do not know each other, finding marriage partners becomes a function of participation in a variety of other types of communities that may be quite disconnected from family life.  We might best think of our society as a network of overlapping and sometimes disconnected communities rather than simply a composite set of neighborhood communities.  Each individual is a member of multiple communities and therefore has multiple roles and shares in multiple perspectives.

Camerin Courtney, managing editor of TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, points out that “According to Barna research, there are between 11 and 13 million more born-again women than born-again men, and according to 2000 U.S. Census findings, there are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women. Meaning? As a single Christian woman, there are less marital options out there for me to get serious about.”  She believes this demographic reality is the fundamental reason that so many Christian women are left in the single status. 

Debbie Maken evaluated her single plight as she was growing older and decided that a Christian online dating service was the way to get serious about looking for a mate, and it worked out well for her.  She thinks that a lot of Christian women are opting out of marriage for the wrong reasons and has written her book to make her case.  Courtney says that “Maken seems to think a vast majority of singles view their solo status as a special gift from God,” but Courtney says, based on her interactions with many singles, that for many if not most, “singleness is a default reality.”

What we might be witnessing here, in part, is a difference in the methods one is willing to use in seeking a mate, a choice usually made within the more comfortable context of one’s local community. In one sense, looking for a life partner on the Internet, with all the uncertainties and the potential relocation this approach could entail, might not be a whole lot different than volunteering for foreign mission service.  Not everyone is up for that kind of faith challenging adventure.

Each of these women has a valid perspective, but the problem comes when one tries to reach some universal “rule” that applies to people in every situation, regardless of the uniqueness of their life experience. Yet because we serve one God who has shown us what is right and good in the Bible, it is imperative that we should seek to understand and follow God’s will.  There is a sense in which each of us repeats the Genesis experience individually, by both being deceived into self-will and then deliberately choosing it at some point, thereby repeating the first recorded sins.   Living as a Christian is essentially allowing God to have his proper role in our life.

UNDERSTANDING THE TWO GIFTS

From a biblical perspective, as both Debbie Maken and Cameron Courtney seem to acknowledge, the basic issue regarding their disagreement has to do with understanding the distinction between the gift for marriage and the gift for celibacy.  Although understanding these gifts will not yield absolute rules, I believe it will yield principles by which believers can evaluate their lives in a way that enables them to move forward spiritually rather than feel stuck in a default mode of existence.

I think the best way to conceive of these gifts is to go back to the Genesis creation account and see how it unfolds, which I will abbreviate here so that we only emphasize the parts relevant to our discussion:  First God creates chaos, which might be best viewed as an uncontrolled mass of energy.  Then God differentiates it into various forms such as night and day, land and sea, etc.  But then he comes to human beings.  Here the story makes a big point.  Not only does God further differentiate this energy into male and female, but he also prolongs the act by dramatizing the need for partnership and companionship between the sexes in the ruling function over the creation, and by highlighting the distinction between the humans and the rest of the creation.  Jesus explains how these chapters teach God’s plan for sexuality and marriage.

From the very beginning, energy has been directed and differentiated to form and create the world we live in, including our own bodies.  Our entire environment is an energy consuming and recycling system that we are accountable to govern.  When you think of sexual energy as an ongoing process within you that needs to be directed, not something that can be contained as if you can put a lid on it and keep it inside, then you have the idea of what you are dealing with.  Everybody is using sexual energy, and that’s why the observant Freud so easily gets accused of seeing sex in everything and why so often sex and religion are intertwined since spirituality may also be seen as infusing all of life.  Non-biblical influences have also distorted the biblical perspective, although how and to what extent is debatable.

We can’t here explore all the interesting ways that understanding sexuality developed in the Old Testament, but we should review the important aspects of what Jesus taught because he is our authoritative guide to understanding what the Old Testament teaches.  My comments on Matthew 19 in the April 18 post below explain the derivation of these principles, which are here reworded in a more functionally useful way:

1. Under normal conditions, sexual activity is presumed to usually continue once it is initiated
2. Marriage and celibacy are the only God-intended sexual “orientations” that should be pursued
3. Only those gifted for celibacy should choose the option of singleness

When you view these principles against the broad perspective presented above, you can see how they fit into the larger pattern, and also sense where some of the problematic issues might arise.  I believe keeping this broad perspective in view will also help discern creative yet realistic solutions to those problem areas. 

The general picture is that everyone has sexual energies, but that those who are married will direct them toward their spouses.  And as Jesus said, those with the gift of celibacy will be able to direct them “for the sake of the kingdom,” or as the Apostle Paul would later clarify, those with the gift of celibacy can live with “undivided devotion to the Lord.”  Their energies can be directed into the service of God.

The overall principle is that the sexual energy involved is essentially the same for both sexes and for both celibates and married people, and is simply directed in different ways.  These gifts are not simply descriptions of a state of being.  Just being married or being single is not in itself identical with the gift for those states.  The gift is the energy (which all normal physical beings have) plus the assistance and guidance from God to enable one to use those energies constructively.  To be effective the gift must be accepted, so cooperation of the person with God’s will is essential.  The fact that one can be single and not celibate just goes to show that the gift and the state of singleness are distinct concepts. Although it is not as readily transparent, one should also recognize that just being married does not automatically mean one is exercising the gift for marriage.  Christian spirituality is about having our “minds set on what the Spirit desires.”

What this means for those “stuck” in the state of singleness is that they should be pursuing opportunities to be ever more devoted to the service of God if they determine that is their fate.  At some point they need to decide which way God is leading them and take some decisive action.  They do not need to take vows to never marry, but should consider ways that their lives can be invested in the Lord and the Lord’s work beyond what is possible for the average married person, who as Paul says must be preoccupied with the “worldly affairs” of operating a home and therefore will have less energy for the “Lord’s affairs.” 

The other, more difficult side of this predicament is how to assess the problem of sexual activity when one in effect feels gifted for marriage but stuck in a state of singleness.  There are no easy answers here, and this is probably one of the reasons why ministry to singles is typically a weak area in church ministry.  Ideally, early physical sexual development should integrate with an individual’s cognitive development which has already been educated to understand God’s plan for sexuality and marriage; but our families, churches, and society have often failed in this task for a variety of reasons.  Figuring out what it is all about tends to be largely a youth project conducted in a pluralistic pop culture, and the answers that emerge are varied. And even when properly prepared, a Christian young person may rebel and complicate the maturing process.

The church needs to take a more active role in the area of accepting sexuality at all levels, and especially in addressing the issue of cohabitation, since these couples are neither married nor single (strictly speaking), yet often times are open to spiritual direction if they are accepted as they are and allowed to develop the insights needed to align themselves with God’s purposes as the teachable moments arise.  Nurturing alignment with God’s purposes by acceptance into some level of fellowship seems to be the approach that Jesus used and that earned him the label of “friend of sinners,” a derogatory category which was understood to include sexually immoral people.

DISCERNING ONE’S GIFT

From a biblical perspective, a distinguishing feature between the two gifts is that those with the gift for celibacy are able to control their bodies in a way that those with the gift for marriage are not.  That is how we make sense of what Paul says to the Corinthians - “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”  Or when he says, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

The capacity for self-control should not be viewed so much as the ability to deny pursuit of sexual pleasure as it is the ability to focus sexual energy into a particular direction.  Those with the gift for celibacy, as we have seen, have the ability to divert their energy into service for the Lord and find satisfaction in that.  Those with the gift for marriage, however, are focused on using a good deal of their energy through genital expression for emotional connectiveness with the opposite sex.  In this regard, the challenge of self-control is also not negative, but positive, for as Paul says to the Thessalonians - ” It is God’s will … that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.”  In other words, the purpose of self-control is to do good to the other person in the sexual relationship, and to share in the pleasure of that relationship with them.  God’s word teaches us that this relationship can and should only be pursued in marriage, but how the state of the lifelong commitment of marriage is eventually reached is a rough and problematic road for many.  It is too easy for us to go to one extreme or the other in either excusing or criticizing various behaviors as people engage in the process of evaluating their behavior as they mature in their thinking.

The most important need is for Christians to evaluate their own behavior, and the support of others in this ongoing process plays an important role:

But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment. When we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world. (1 Cor 11:31-32, NIV)

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense–Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.  (1 John 1:8-2:1, NIV)

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  (Gal 6:1-2, NIV)

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  (James 5:16, NIV)

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another.  (Heb 10:24-25, NIV)

The presumption in these verses is that there is some kind of ongoing social group in which fairly intimate nurturing relationships are fostered.  Although each person is accountable to God individually, God’s plan includes Christian fellowship to assist the individual in that process.  When we require repentance before we will accept people, we are reversing the biblical order.  In the case of the typical failure of the church to reach out to Christian singles (though not everywhere to be sure), one wonders if there is a refusal to accept the difficult realities that make it easier to neglect this group.

In responding to some very specific yet unknown questions that sometimes mystify us today, the Apostle Paul instructs his Corinthian readers that generally speaking, it is better (although not absolutely required) that they remain in the state they were in when they were converted, because of the stresses they were living under at that time. Paul then illustrates how the decision making process of the single person can operate in deciding which way to go in the choice of celibacy or marriage:  in the context of this passage he is responding to a question that does not apply to our current culture, and may well be referring to a situation where a man feels social pressure to fulfill a prior engagement commitment to get married and produce children. A variety of considerations will affect the decision, including one’s sense of self-control.  The universal point Paul makes is that the individual must make up his own mind - the decision should take into account Paul’s teaching and the individual’s own perspective on his abilities and circumstances - but Paul consistently teaches that one’s accountability is to the Lord and not anyone else.

If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin–this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. (1 Cor 7:36-38 NIV)

So even though Paul believed at the time that it would be better if those who were single would remain single, he here and elsewhere in the same chapter recognized that each person must evaluate their own situation and could and sometimes should rightly decide to marry anyway.  People must decide for themselves the direction that they believe God is leading them, and no one else can make that decision for them.

When Paul says “to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will,” he is indicating that life should become satisfying for Christians who adapt to whichever state God has led them to adopt. 

The gift for celibacy is a gift for a higher level of service for God.  If one determines that singleness seems to be one’s state for the foreseeable future, then aligning oneself with that purpose rather than the hope of marriage is the interior choice that must ultimately be made at some point if one is to make decisive spiritual progress.  Judging by Camerin Courtney’s response, Debbie Maken might have overstated her case by challenging Christian singles to pursue marriage in such a categorical fashion, but we should not let that overshadow the need for decisive spiritual choices on the part of those who remain single.  To remain single indefinitely should not be a life sentence; it should become a deliberate choice of celibacy for the greater service of God.  If a person cannot feel free to make that choice, then perhaps they should respond to Debbie Maken’s challenge and get more creative in the search for a mate.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own insight.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

The human mind plans the way,

but the Lord directs the steps.

Proverbs 3:5-6 & 16:9 NRSV